And yet there are people who still choose to get married even though they are incompatible on one of these or many of these fundamental issues. I have heard of couples where one doesn’t want kids and the other one does staying together, and I just wonder how they think that’s supposed to work out for them in the long-term. It seems like they both kinda just hold onto the hope for one of them to change their mind – which is a recipe for disaster, imo.
Oh gosh yes. If there is anyone reading this comment that is trying to commit to a long term relationship thinking something along the lines of “Its ok he/she/they/it will change” or “I can make him change”
NO YOU CAN’T. Everyone I asked in 20+ year relationships said F no.
Go into the commitment with the mindset that “Can I deal with this for the rest of my life” or “Do I love this enough that I will deal with this”
Choosing someone they think they should be with instead of someone they’re actually compatible with.
I feel a lot of people have a picture in their head of who they think they’ll end up with and chase that ideal, instead of acknowledging their own personality and aiming for someone compatible with that. Easier said than done, but yeah.
I talk with my partner about this all the time. We think its important to have shared values not shared interests.
Yes it’s important to share things you both like to do, but just because your partner likes One Punch Man, like you do, doesn’t mean they are on the same page as you with resolving conflicts.
Thinking, “I know this person has flaws, but when we’re married I can help fix them.”
Ok marriage isn’t working but if we have kids things will change because it will bring us closer.
Don't fall in love with BEING in love.
The two of us would admit, years after our divorce, that we pretty much liked each other only because the other one gave us any attention whatsoever.
It didn’t matter that we were on different wavelengths on almost everything in life. It didn’t matter that we had to go to couples counseling even before the wedding. It didn’t matter that we fought quite a lot.
What mattered was that she gave me the time of day, and I returned that to her. Neither of us had any other romantic prospects, for a long time, so the fact that ANYONE was willing to be in the same room with me, was enough for me to say “Let’s spend our lives together”.
Not discussing goals, boundaries, or waiting beyond the honeymoon phase.
They fall for the sunk cost fallacy and assume that because they’ve been together X months or years or whatever, they must be life partners, or that things must move on to the next “stage”. Just because you’ve given someone five years doesn’t mean you owe them another 50.
Having children with them before really getting to know the person. It’s important to know who those children will be exposed to. Many people are on their best behavior early on. And in a short period of time you likely haven’t seen how they handle a difficult situation.
Yeah yeah yeah I know some people got someone pregnant or got pregnant super early into dating or whatever and it worked out. It’s just risky as hell.
Everybody’s got differences in opinion, a host of red flags, personal issues, etc… The biggest mistake is ignoring these things and not having a frank discussion about how to talk about them going forward.
If you want to make marriage a lifelong commitment, you have to be comfortable airing differences and discussing differences of opinions without it becoming a “blowout” (or at least making reconciliation after a blowout. because … well … they happen). The biggest factor in an enduring relationship is being able to find a path between differences of opinion. This takes give and take from both sides and mutual respect to ensure each other’s needs are being met.
Relationships are fucking hard. It takes a lot of frank discussion as the years pass to get past the hard stuff. Make sure you are able have the difficult discussions with your partner before making the commitment to start a family. Once there’s children involved, you will be negotiating with that person for the next 20+ years … whether you stay together or not!
you marry the family. This can be hard if they aren’t similar to your family dynamics / requirements. Holidays especially.
money!! Most couples have a saver and spender. Get ahead of this early. Be on the same page, goals, habits and debts.
Shared interests, different values
One doesn’t matter much at all, the other is the thing that matters most of all
You need to talk about a few things upfront.
Do you want kids, yes or no?
Sleep. Gawd sleep is soooo f’ing important. What are your sleep hours? Do you expect us to sleep in the same bed or separate? Do you snore? Do I snore? Do you sleep with the TV on? A light on? A fan on set to hurricane mode? Total silence and pitch black?
Temperature. I have seen so many couples break up over thermostat fights. Don’t agree on a Temperature, it’s all arbitrary anyway. 70 at my house is different than 70 in your house, because thermostats are not perfect. Instead, talk about how you will each adjust. I.e. I am ok with a blanket, I will get a small fan. Wear layers, have thin shirts, socks vs. no socks.
Thinking “love is all you need.” You all need respect, dignity, partnership and friendship (among others).
Just because you have things in common with a person and have great chemistry with them, it doesn’t mean they’ll make a good partner.
By focusing on their appearances and not their soul.
Don’t get me wrong. When I met my wife, she was hotter than a five-dollar pistol on Saturday night (32 years later, I might add, she still is). But what grabbed me was that she and I saw eye-to-eye on everything that mattered: Sense of humor, priorities, and values.
Mind you there were differences. But with her, every conversation was, well, effortless. Still is today.
The other thing? People sticking with a type, overlooking some otherwise amazing people instead. When I was single, I had this attraction to artistic, neurotic types, fragile psyches and all. And couldn’t understand why my relationships always went sideways.
My future wife? Absolutely nothing like that. The exact opposite, in fact.
Weirdly enough I think some people aren’t best friends with the person they marry or even friends. I mean, I guess you don’t technically have to be best friends with someone to marry them, but I had a friend that said there are things she could only talk to me about (including marital problems) because I was her best friend and he was “only” her husband. I said, uhh no offense but my husband is my best friend. All that being said, you should be fiends with your spouse.
Planning for a wedding instead of a marriage. Weddings are expensive AF, full of unnecessary stress, and often bring out the worst not just in the couple but in their families as well. Most people who want to be married and start a life together would be better served pocketing their money, getting married at the courthouse, and living their lives without the debt many people go into to have their dream wedding
People put attraction over interaction.
Be with someone you like being with not that you wanna look at
Is it love. Or is it the idea of being in love